“Are You Pregnant?!” + “No, I’m Just Fat” = Autodefenestration

True story. OK, well, the first part of the above equation is a true story. I think it’s safe to say that if result indicated above were true you wouldn’t be reading my account of this sordid tale three days after its occurrence … come to think of it, my cubicle, while next to a window, is only on the second floor … so maybe you COULD be reading it three days later as I typed away in traction at my local hospital. I digress. In the interest of transparency, only the first part is true, but the event was enough to make any yo-yo dieter consider her options for a split-second.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on this little blog here, and for a good understandable reason: I haven’t been doing anything close to paleo for quite some time, and sadly gained back 10 of the 15 pounds I worked so hard to lose. Jeanie and I have been moaning and groaning about getting back on track for a couple weeks – but Friday is what has kicked it into motion for me.

I was on a personal phone call in the lobby of my office building, trying to leave a voicemail for an appointment I was hoping to get that weekend. I approached the corner of the hallway with the phone to my ear and heard my name being screeched from across the lobby. I whipped around, spotted two of my co-workers, waved politely followed by a motion to my phone giving them the universal “please shut up, I’m on a call” sign, and kept walking.

At the sound of the tone I start leaving my information and could still hear my name being yelped around the corner and the pattering of feet approaching me on the slick tile floor – so I quickly wrapped up my message, ended the call, turned around trying not to glare at them both and asked, “What?!” What could be so important?

They were bouncing in place like school girls and had mischievous gleams in the eyes. “Can we ask you a personal question? We have a bet!” one exclaimed. I glanced at the other who nodded enthusiastically, like a bobble-head on a dashboard. “Sure?” I replied hesitantly.

“Are you pregnant?!” the ringleader asked, thinking she already knew the answer.

“Wh- NO … !” My eyes darted down to my maxi skirt in fear, worried that the question alone had produced some sort of immediate and immaculate conception in my gut and that I would see some sort of foreign object kicking my stomach out from the inside. Fortunately the only thing that was there was the giant turkey sandwich I had picked up at the deli across the street for lunch … and the Old Bay potato chips … okay, AND the Diet Coke.

The second woman beamed and giggled. “She owes me dinner,” she declared victoriously, thinking she and I were going to somehow bond because she was right about her bet. Our once-fearless leader looked confused and concerned. I stared incredulously at them both for far too long, desperately trying to calculate the number of shared brain cells between them. I stormed off up the stairs.

To be fair, there is something in the water at our company – within the last year and a half, there have been babies popping out of the women in my age bracket left and right. However, I ask you, Anonymous Co-Workers, HAVE YOU NO SOCIAL GRACES?

My hard work and weight loss was apparently obvious while doing my Whole30, as was now my rebound and regain. I suppose I could be flattered that my weight and personal life are more interesting topics to others than whatever is going on in their own lives, but mostly I was just pissed off … and sniveling  at my desk for the remainder of the afternoon like a 7-year-old booted from a game of kickball on the playground.

Where’s the silver lining in this story? It’s somewhere, I promise. With the help of my Jeanie, a plan of action has been devised and set into motion. We’re not ready to Whole30 a third time in 5 months, it’s just not happening. But what we are going to do is stick to the following:

  • Every time you are able to eat Whole30/Paleo, you do.  Or as close to Paleo as possible.  That way if it’s not perfectly Paleo, it’s not used as a gateway drug to go wild for the entire meal.  At the very least it should be gluten free.
  • Alcohol is only allowed on the weekends, and even then in moderation (wine is my kryptonite)
  • One all-out cheat MEAL (not DAY) per week

Additionally I am:

  • Wearing my Fat Bracelet (FitBit) daily to make myself more aware of calories burned each day, but not tracking calories in, since we’re focusing on paleo foods anyway
  • Committing to a minimum of 4 workouts per week with a goal of 6
  • Drinking my required minimum amount of water per day
  • Getting to sleep at 10:30 pm during the week

And so our story ends with a new beginning (I’m suddenly reminded of Charlotte’s pathetic encounter with Starting Over Yet Again in Sex & the City – anyone, anyone?). Wish me luck, check in once in a while if you have the time, and if anyone needs me after my 9-5, you will probably find me at the gym or drowning my sorrows in a bottle of … water.

Oh and, Anonymous Co-workers, my registry is at Zumba.com – size Lovely. Thanks!


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Book hoarder. Red lipstick aficionado. Compulsive shopper. Crazy cat lady. Adores alliteration; couldn't give a @$%& about an Oxford Comma.

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